April 4, 2014

Oh my god... Life got crazy, once again. Why in the hell did he have to walk back into my life so early? At the time that I was the most unprepared, someone has to come in and wreak more havoc and chaos than before. Bryce. fter all of the things that have been happening recently, I woke up to a message from Bryce that said that he had just gotten out of therapy. That's amazing and everything, and I'm really happy for him, but there's a catch. He wasn't even supposed to be back until after this summer. It was supposed to take well over a year for him to even get out. Beside the point, I didn't believe he even left whatsoever, but he did. Not only do I feel like a complete asshole, I have to figure everything in my life out for the 1000th time. I scrapped all my plans for moving to Florida. Thought there was no point in it if he was just going to lie to me. I also scrapped the relationship altogether. I moved on. Multiple times. What's the worst fucking part is... I SAID I DIDN'T WANNA PLAY FUCKING PUPPETEER ANYMORE!!!!! I don't wanna play with everyone's emotions anymore! I want to stay with one person who will love me! Yet, somehow, I got roped in with a ton of new relationships again, and now, I wanna drop it all for Bryce. That man must have some sort of strong gravitational pull. Part of me wants to believe those feelings are because he's my soulmate. However, the logical/skeptical part of me says that it's just some smooth-talking bullshit. I don't know if I trust him, and that bothers the ever-loving hell out of me. Dallas, Derek, Austin, Skyler, Conner, Zechariah, Kenny, Erin, Jacob, Gary, Graham, Zak, and the shit that's been going on between Mike and I. 12 for sure OUTLINED AND DEFINED relationships, and 1 friend with benefits. None of which include Bryce. Do you know how pathetic that actually makes me feel to see that and realize it? Not to mention how fucking exhausting it is to keep up all of those communications?? It's so difficult... You know? For years, I tried to keep up relationships in numbers like that when I was in middle school. It helped me feel better about myself. Made me see that I could get a ton of people to fall for me and be absolutely desperate to talk to me. That was middle school playground bullshit. I'm done fucking around and I wanna buckle down. If I break up all of this, it's gonna burn some bridges. Especially between Kenny and Zechariah. Kenny and Zechariah were already dumped once for Bryce. If I do it again, they're not coming back. No matter what I do. As for Derek, I don't wanna get rid of Derek. He's so sweet and awesome. However, we do have a communication problem. He never talks to me. If I'm ever upset about something, he always just ignores me. He doesn't try to help me out with my feelings. As for Dallas, Austin, Skyler, Conner, Erin, Jacob, Gary, Graham, Zak, and Mike, I could drop all of them. None of them really matter to me. What I'm worried about is the feelings that would be hurt on the other end of things. Besides, Conner also lives in Florida. Talking to people that live in the same state is playing with fire. Bryce lives in Chiefland and Conner lives in Dade City. 99.2 miles. The distance doesn't matter. It's still playing with fire, and I don't wanna burn the bridge that I have with Bryce. I would much rather lose Conner than Bryce. If I truly lose Bryce, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm thinking I might still end up moving to Florida for college. However, all of that depends on how Bryce and I talk tonight. I'm hoping to Skype with him. I would be the biggest fucking liar if I said I didn't miss staring into those hypnotic ice blue eyes and seeing that amazingly beautiful smile. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since I got to school today. He's all I've been able to think about. I've been in a complete daze today, just floating through life in a fog. You know, I really think they're right. You never know how much something means to you until it's gone. I never realized just how much I loved Bryce until he was gone, and now that he's back, I can't let him go. Not again. I'm going to fight to keep him for good. Hopefully he feels that's what he wants as well.