Miserable At Best by Mayday Parade

Katie, don't cry, I know You're trying your hardest And the hardest part is letting, go Of the nights we shared Ocala is calling and you know it's haunting But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright And when we look to the sky, its not mine, but i want it so Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight (I know he's there and) You're probably hanging out and making eyes (while across the room, he stares) I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes Because these words were never easier for me to say Or her to second guess But I guess That I can live without you but Without you I'll be miserable at best You're all that I hoped I'd find In every single way And everything I could give Is everything you couldn't take Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away And the hardest part of living Is just taking breaths to stay 'Cause I know I'm good for something I just haven't found it yet But I need it So, let's not pretend like you're alone tonight (I know he's there and) You're probably hanging out and making eyes (while across the room, he stares) I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes Because these words were never easier for me to say Or her to second guess But I guess That I can live without you but Without you I'll be miserable at best ladada ladada ladadaoh ohhh And this will be the first time in a week That I'll talk to you And I can't speak Been three whole days since I've had sleep 'Cause I dream of his lips on your cheek And I got the point that I should leave you alone But we both know that I'm not that strong And I miss the lips that made me fly So let's not pretend that you're alone tonight (I know he's there and) You're probably hanging out and making out (while across the room, he stares) I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes Because these words were never easier for me to say Or her to second guess But I guess That I can live without you but Without you I'll be miserable And I can live without you But without you I'll be miserable And I can live without you but Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best

April 4, 2014

Oh my god... Life got crazy, once again. Why in the hell did he have to walk back into my life so early? At the time that I was the most unprepared, someone has to come in and wreak more havoc and chaos than before. Bryce. fter all of the things that have been happening recently, I woke up to a message from Bryce that said that he had just gotten out of therapy. That's amazing and everything, and I'm really happy for him, but there's a catch. He wasn't even supposed to be back until after this summer. It was supposed to take well over a year for him to even get out. Beside the point, I didn't believe he even left whatsoever, but he did. Not only do I feel like a complete asshole, I have to figure everything in my life out for the 1000th time. I scrapped all my plans for moving to Florida. Thought there was no point in it if he was just going to lie to me. I also scrapped the relationship altogether. I moved on. Multiple times. What's the worst fucking part is... I SAID I DIDN'T WANNA PLAY FUCKING PUPPETEER ANYMORE!!!!! I don't wanna play with everyone's emotions anymore! I want to stay with one person who will love me! Yet, somehow, I got roped in with a ton of new relationships again, and now, I wanna drop it all for Bryce. That man must have some sort of strong gravitational pull. Part of me wants to believe those feelings are because he's my soulmate. However, the logical/skeptical part of me says that it's just some smooth-talking bullshit. I don't know if I trust him, and that bothers the ever-loving hell out of me. Dallas, Derek, Austin, Skyler, Conner, Zechariah, Kenny, Erin, Jacob, Gary, Graham, Zak, and the shit that's been going on between Mike and I. 12 for sure OUTLINED AND DEFINED relationships, and 1 friend with benefits. None of which include Bryce. Do you know how pathetic that actually makes me feel to see that and realize it? Not to mention how fucking exhausting it is to keep up all of those communications?? It's so difficult... You know? For years, I tried to keep up relationships in numbers like that when I was in middle school. It helped me feel better about myself. Made me see that I could get a ton of people to fall for me and be absolutely desperate to talk to me. That was middle school playground bullshit. I'm done fucking around and I wanna buckle down. If I break up all of this, it's gonna burn some bridges. Especially between Kenny and Zechariah. Kenny and Zechariah were already dumped once for Bryce. If I do it again, they're not coming back. No matter what I do. As for Derek, I don't wanna get rid of Derek. He's so sweet and awesome. However, we do have a communication problem. He never talks to me. If I'm ever upset about something, he always just ignores me. He doesn't try to help me out with my feelings. As for Dallas, Austin, Skyler, Conner, Erin, Jacob, Gary, Graham, Zak, and Mike, I could drop all of them. None of them really matter to me. What I'm worried about is the feelings that would be hurt on the other end of things. Besides, Conner also lives in Florida. Talking to people that live in the same state is playing with fire. Bryce lives in Chiefland and Conner lives in Dade City. 99.2 miles. The distance doesn't matter. It's still playing with fire, and I don't wanna burn the bridge that I have with Bryce. I would much rather lose Conner than Bryce. If I truly lose Bryce, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm thinking I might still end up moving to Florida for college. However, all of that depends on how Bryce and I talk tonight. I'm hoping to Skype with him. I would be the biggest fucking liar if I said I didn't miss staring into those hypnotic ice blue eyes and seeing that amazingly beautiful smile. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since I got to school today. He's all I've been able to think about. I've been in a complete daze today, just floating through life in a fog. You know, I really think they're right. You never know how much something means to you until it's gone. I never realized just how much I loved Bryce until he was gone, and now that he's back, I can't let him go. Not again. I'm going to fight to keep him for good. Hopefully he feels that's what he wants as well.

February 19, 2014

Oh my god, I'm finding that I am so damn busy. I hate this. Planning for college is hard enough as it is, but having to plan to move to Florida, find a place to live, getting a job, paying for college, and finding a way to get loans without credit is so freaking difficult. I am about ready to start tearing my hair out, I swear. Now, you're probably wondering why the hell I'm worried about this right now. I mean, I am only a junior, and there's a bit of time before I go to college. I'm not going to start until probably August of 2015, right? Well, there's a bit more to that story. See, I'm graduating in October. Yeah, that's coming so fast. Every time I think about it, I think, "That's not even long enough to have a baby," and it freaks me out. I'm graduating in a little less than 8 months. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. On top of that, I though that attending a community college to complete my undergraduate classes would be a cost-effective way to attend school. Haha, nope. Out of state tuition for the College of Central Florida is around $10,000. Holy buckets. I will not have enough money for that. I'm seriously debating waiting until Spring 2017 so that I can have in-state tuition. In-state tuition is only $2,000. Thoughts? I just don't know. I don't wanna wait forever to go to college, but it's going to be so fucking hard to go to college with the circumstances currently present. I really need to get more organized. Also, I really need helpful tips and hints so that maybe I can get a loan to buy a house and a car so I can make my happy ass down there. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm absolutely swamped right now with trying to figure out my life. I don't know if every college student feels this way, but I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders, and I'm trying to balance being able to maintain a good relationship, trying to find a job, looking for a home, looking for a car, applying for scholarships, applying for grants, and still attending high school. Oh my god, that's a lot, and that makes me stressed out just thinking about everything I have to do. I'm just praying that my plans don't fall through though. As much as it's bothering me and stressing me out, (I'm starting to get a migraine just thinking about all this,) I am dead set on moving to Florida so I can be with Bryce. It's what I know I want to do. However, I don't know if I'm an idiot or romantic. I'm not focusing relationships around school. I'm focusing school around relationships. I'm not moving to Florida because I wanna go to college there. I'm moving there for Bryce. Hell, maybe this is adorable and amazing, or maybe I'm just being stupid and blinded by love. Wouldn't be the first time. Anyways, I just really need to get shit figured out and down on lock. I just need help. If you have any advice, email me, please. shilohhalladay@gmail.com Thank you. Well, ta-ta for now. I'll try not to tear my hair out before I get some help.

Promise

His eyes are like an ocean Shimmering and blue as the Pacific. I'm marooned in the middle, Drowning in the ocean, Struggling for breath as he takes it away And I want to stay like this forever. This life is a nightmare, Full of abuse and misery, yet it turned into a beautiful dream. We're floating high in the clouds, so high that no one can touch us. Everything I've ever wanted come to fruition in the form of one boy. It's absolutely amazing how everything you've ever wanted can somehow appear right in front of your very eyes. Even if this is a dream I pray that I'll never wake up. I can't afford to lose this. Not now. Not after all the hurt and the pain. This is what I want, only him until I die. And when I do, he'll lie next to me. We will never be apart.

Lucy by Skillet

Hey Lucy, I remember your name I left a dozen roses on your grave today I'm in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away I just came to talk for a while I got some things I need to say [Chorus:] Now that it's over I just wanna hold her I'd give up all the world to see That little piece of heaven looking back at me Now that it's over I just wanna hold her I've gotta live with the choices i made And I can't live with myself today Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday They said it'd bring some closure to say your name I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance But all I got are these roses to give And they can't help me make amends [Chorus] Here we are, now you're in my arms I never wanted anything so bad Here we are, for a brand new start Living the life that we could've had Me and Lucy walking hand in hand Me and Lucy never wanna end Just another moment in your eyes I'll see you in another life In heaven where we never say goodbye Here we are, now you're in my arms Here we are for a brand new start Got to live with the choices I've made And I can't live with myself today Me and Lucy walking hand in hand Me and Lucy never wanna end Got to live with the choices I've made And I can't live with myself today Hey Lucy, I remember your name

Cancer by My Chemical Romance

Turn away, If you could get me a drink Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded Call my aunt Marie Help her gather all my things And bury me in all my favorite colors, My sisters and my brothers, still, I will not kiss you, 'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you. Now turn away, 'Cause I'm awful just to see 'Cause all my hairs abandoned all my body, Oh, my agony, Know that I will never marry, Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo But counting down the days to go It just ain't living And I just hope you know That if you say (if you say) Goodbye today (goodbye today) I'd ask you to be true (cause I'd ask you to be true) 'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you 'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you

March 7, 2013

To quote System of a Down: The most loneliest day of my life. I swear that today was probably one of the worst days that I've had. I have to go to work after school, and I really don't want to go, but that's not what's really bumming me out and bringing me down. What's bringing me down is the alienation that I'm experiencing now. I feel left out of everything. Everyone's carrying on their lives in different directions, and that's fine, but I'm never incorporated in anyone's plan. I feel as though I'm just the lone wolf. I've always been good at playing that role in people's play called life, but it sure as hell isn't the role that I tried out for. I wish that someone would just invite me to go do something with them. I'm really not as mean as I look, and I just want some friends that I can spend time with instead of sitting at home, letting my life and feelings fade away like from the cigarettes that I smoke. But that's definitely what's got me down the most... I'm listening to My Chemical Romance's song, "Cancer." I miss you, Sarah. More than you could ever imagine. I started singing "Lucy" by Skillet because I was thinking of you... Why did the cancer have to take you from us. I wish you could've met with the oncologist the next day like you planned to.. I'd still have you here with me. I still remember what Bracken told me the day at the Walmart in Kearney before the funeral. He told me how you wanted us to spend a lot of time together this summer. How you guys wanted me to spend a few days out at the farm with you. I still can't let go of you... Probably because I didn't get an official chance to tell you goodbye before you left... I miss you Sarah Matucha... I'll see you sometime... This is all the time that I have to vent for today.. I'll see all of you whenever...